Everyone knows what this is.  I'm up at 6 in the morning to go to an underpaying job, get home, run to school, and get home again at 10.  With these two giant heavy duties to keep in motion, the figurative chainsaws that are friends and love get thrown in.

(Chainsaws as in, if you do juggle them right, it is a thing of beauty and something to be admired.  If you fuck up, you usually end up mangled and ravaged.  If you're lucky, the maiming will only be figurative. :D )

On top of that, I'm fucking addicted to food, and my slowly deteriorating workout regimen is all that I have stopping me from becoming Big Boy of power 106 fame (before surgery ;D )

A request for those who care for me in the least: if I'm fucking up, tell me.  Straight and honest.  I can take it and will do my damndest to change.

If I tease to much, say something.  If I hurt your feelings, say something.  If I'm being a mopey emo child, cursing my fate, say something.  You will do me no service by keeping it to yourselves for whatever reason.

I have a lot of shit to sort out right now, but I'll be damned if I let it spill on to the people I care about. 

I have far more female friends than I do male friends now, which is just weird for me because I went to an all boys high school.  Its provided me with insight into female language, thought, and stereotypes.  It has made me question a defining trait about me that I hold very dear: my opinion on what makes a man.  Now I have made up my mind.

For most of my life, I defined a man by his resolve.  A man is a human male who is not afraid to stand up for what he thinks is right, even if he is wrong and doesn't now it.  A man's responsibilities are to protect and support those close to him as best he can.  This applies to skinny goth boys as much as mighty he-men.  A man who has the will to do these things is one worthy of the title.  Apparently, many don't agree with me.

In my attraction to strong willed women (this includes friends, girlfriends, and my female cousins) I've been surrounded by a great many of them.  I've noticed that the aforementioned responsibilities seem to come of as chauvanist and pigheaded, as if I say these things implying that women are incapable of taking care of themselves.  Well, to be direct, you are wrong.  I have never considered women to be lower than men in any respect.  They say chivalry is dead.  I say its close, and we need to revive it.  Honor is an important thing for a man, as it keeps him true to his principles and keeps him loyal to his kin.

Think of it this way, for all you sisters, girlfriends, or friends of guys.  If you were in a tight spot, if you needed help, would you consider your brother/boyfriend/friend more of a man if he stood tall and offered his aid, or if he said something like "out of respect for your independence as a woman, I'm not going to help"?   

My point in short: men can be men and women can be women without holding each other back.  Dominance does not need to be a factor.

On a side note, guys, there is chivalrous and there is stupid.  Let a woman shine, and don't hide her light in the attempt to protect her.

 

I'm here to quash the traditional view of the demise of the Spanish Armada in order to venture towards a more lofty goal.  Looking at history the right way.

One thing we Americans don't get about our history textbooks is that they can be BIASED.  There are two reasons for this: 1) Americans don't want to look at themselves in a poor light, and 2) We get our knowledge of written history from the British, who also don't want to have themselves seen in a poor light.

I'm not saying they are inaccurate most of the time, but history books are written by people with financial interests.  If you want to sell something, its a bad for business to offend or confuse the people you are selling to.

In the case of the Spanish Armada, the British Navy DID NOT win that battle.  It is not a David and Goliath story where the "much smaller but better commanded and faster" force of the British defeats the "big, slow, and stupid juggernaut" of the Spanish Armada.  That concept is both total bullshit and unfortunately completely accepted.  The British would have been crushed had Mother Nature not looked favorably upon them.  The weather dealt a mortal wound to the galleons of Spain, and the British were pretty much free to wipe out isolated pockets.

The point: In our quest to understand history, the main goal is to develop a critical, investigative way of thinking.  If you are curious about history, a history buff, or whatever, look at it from different people's perspectives, not just those of American and British historians.

Allow me to impart a conversation I had with the major facets of my own mind.
 

Me: Issue for today.  How far is too far?

Jericho: Too far for what?  This isn't some damn identity crisis, is it?

Me: No.

Jasmine: Jericho, if you pay attention, you'd know.

Damien: It seems we've reached an impass.  We don't know how to proceed.

Me: Pretty much.  The two traditional methods we've used have been to barrel through unhindered or back off completely.

Daniel: Yeah.  Because we don't know how to do it any other way.

Diego: You're too afraid of hurting people.  What should be said needs to be said, and if they can't take it, its their problem.

Jericho: Here, here!  A point to our mexican buddy.

Diego: Shut up Jericho.  I don't want your help.

Jasmine: Need I remind you, Jericho, about what loss feels like?  Your stupidity drove everyone away last time.  Even you felt the pain when no one was left.

Damien: Jericho may be right, to an extent.  What are we if we don't keep true to ourselves?

Me: That line of thought could lead us to selfishness.

Jericho:  Seems to work for every other prick out there.  Might as well try it on, see how it fits.

Daniel: It hurts goddamn it.  It hurts everywhere.  Everything was fucking peachy, and we had to let feelings get in the way.  Friends, girlfriends, family.  All those bonds are an inch from destruction.

Diego: Don't gimmie that emo shit.  Its not at all like that.  You're fucking paranoid.

Jasmine: Arguing will not solve anything.

Jericho: Neither will sitting here talking to you little chicken shits.  Fuck the pain.  We do what a man is supposed to.  We fucking deal with it and move on.

Me: These people don't deserve to be blown off.

Damien: What if they are the source of your pain?

Daniel: Exactly my fucking point.

Me: They aren't.  My pain means I need to mature more.

Diego: Do you really believe that?

Me: I'm not sure anymore.  I could be taking other people's suffering onto myself to block out my own problems.

Jericho: I'd say its the guilt.

Jasmine: You don't know the meaning of the word.

Me: That's enough.  I've made my decision.   

If any of you consider yourselves fluent gamers, check out vgcats.com

This is good shit.  As good as penny arcade, yet cute and whimsical because they are psychotic kittens ^_^

Gabe and Tycho are awesome and everything, but do they have cute furry ears?

Now that I think about it, if you are a hardcore gamer, you probably know what vgcats is, but whatever.  For those of you that don't, 2 of my favorites of their comics will be in my gallery shortly.

"Hay a grl!  Lets cyber!"  

Dick Cheney-Donald Rumsfeld-Karl Rove

(Sorry Georgie boy, you're a little too stupid to fit into the highest eschelons of my conspiracy theories) 

Karl Rove.  Mastermind behind the right wing ascendancy in America.  Thoroughly evil and possibly a vessel for the anti-christ.  Funny how the evangelicals back up his policies so well.  Funny how he's kicking himself for creating a beast of a republican party that even his demonic power can't control.  And now they are paying for it.

Evil Meter: @@@@@@@@@@10/10 

Donald Rumsfeld.  Casualty of war.  He deserved worse.  Read State of Denial sometime.  You'll see how much of an asshole he was.  Everything had to be run Donnie's way.  As secretary of defense, he isn't the highest advisor to Primeir Bush on military matters.  But he had the joint chief's of staff nuts in such a good vice grip, he might as well of been.  Hopefully he has the good courtesy to die.

Evil Meter: @@@@@@@@ 8/10! 

Dick Cheney- My generation's Tricky Dick.  I'm fairly convinced this guy runs the country, cause again, George is a little too fucking dumb for me to believe in him.  I will say this much about Dick.  He's a pretty good liar.  He stands up at his podium and stares down a crowd (who are all rightfully terrified) or locks eyes with oh-so-completely-unbiased news anchors and tells us about the threats we face.  And then we don't get attacked.  We find out the threats aren't there.  And then we ask him about it.  And he says "You misunderstood me."

Evil Meter: @@@@@@@@@ 9/10!

If you haven't noticed I'm a registered democrat ^_^

But those (d) fuckers in Washington ain't much better right now.  They were all too spineless to stand up to our economic venture into Iraq.  Most of them suck too much wealthy Jewish dick to stand up to the Israeli slaughter of the Palestinian people.   And now, they're too afraid of losing power to pull the troops out of the Middle East now.

Jimmy Carter, Harry Truman, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Bill Clinton....where, oh where have you gone.  We need your leadership now more than ever. 

Well, I must say you had me fooled.  I thought I knew you.  And obviously I didn't.  I know that you must have a morbid sense of humor and curiosity if you are reading this, but if you would be so kind, allow me to continue.  You were a friend.  You were a good person.  I don't regret anything we shared, as the person I shared it with wasn't you.  One thing you need to understand about me is that I can take insults and lies like no other.  You don't bother me.  I've been hurt by many people, and I don't get affected by it anymore.  Its the upside of being a cold person.

But you betrayed her.  She gave everything to you, or what she thought was you.  She would be completely justified in hating your existence.  She is important to me, and for her sake, I will savor the idea that one day you will feel it.  You will realize what you have done.  You will realize that you have broken the heart of someone who loved you more than life itself, and you did it with glee.

Its funny.  You were so nice.  I'm find myself hoping just a little that what you said was a lie.  That maybe you really are the fantastic person I knew.  That maybe you're a little psychotic and have something to blame this on.  But I'm not an optimist.

All in all, this last mini-paragraph is the last time you will be a part of my thoughts, for I have bigger and better things to move on to.  So, I hope you live a happy and good life so that when your judgment comes, in this world or the next, you'll have something to counter-balance this black mark on your soul.  Fuck you, and goodbye forever.

Me: We finally got some time to talk.  How are you, babes?

Jasmine: Okay.  Tired of putting up with Jericho.

Me: Can't blame you.

Jasmine: It is kind of a man's world in your head.

Me: Obviously.  I try to listen to you, but the others are strong.

Jasmine:  Its okay.  You're not doing too bad.  Just keep that ego in check and I'll be able to get a word in.

Me: Sometimes I wonder whether I follow your advice too much or not.  Some of the things you tell me to do or say go against everything I've been taught as a man.

Jasmine: Because I'm a woman...hehe...or, more accurately, your opinion of female thoughts given form.

Me: Don't let the other's drown you out.  I'm not whole without all of you.

Jasmine: Sure thing.  But I'll need your help.

Me: Got it.

Jasmine: Oh, and one more thing.

Me: What's up?

Jasmine: Its okay to cry.

Me: ???

Jasmine: Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Me: To show that kind of weakness would be humiliating.  I'm supposed to be there for my friends and family.  What kind of support am I if I break down under my own dead weight?

Jasmine: If you don't cry yourself, you'll never be able to see when someone close to you is.

Me: I'm not going to become someone else's burden.  No one deserves to have to deal with my issues, precisely because they are my issues.  I'm no man if I can't handle myself properly.

Jasmine: Are you sure you aren't saying this because you don't want to be indebted to others?  You want to be free of owing someone a favor....

Me: Well, yeah, but who does?  I have enough hard earned wisdom to give and battle scars to show...why can't I just suck it up and pass on warnings and help to others?

Jasmine: You're no Atlas.  You don't have to carry the weight of the world.

Me: Why not?  I have enough to atone for...

Jasmine: Don't be emo.  You've hurt some people.  For the most part, you've been forgiven.  Move on.  What does Gandalf say?

Me: Hehe..."All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

Jasmine: That's my little nerd!  You've been given more time.  Plenty.  So let's get to it.

Me: Yeah... 

Thank you.  I have no emotional concerns today   Of course, I'm speaking too soon and am bound to have them tonight, but whatever.  For once, my mind is lifted above these crazy issues, and I can let them be.  Friends, compatriots, regale me with your problems, bring me your quandaries, as right now I can give you my whole and undivided attention.

Whether I do or don't know you, email me at laughterwithoutmirth@gmail.com

Let's strike up some dialog.  I'm batshit crazy, but that just means I've experienced more of the real world :D

I had a warhammer game today!  Blind Kharnath (my Khornate general) tore down the walls of a castle and gutted the enemy army himself.  Blood for the  Blood God, Skulls for the Skull Throne.

Tonight, I plan to relax with Guild Wars and my friends.  For once, I don't have shit to do and I'm happy about it.

Oh, and if you do play Guild Wars and are eager for a good guild to take you in, join the wonderful people of The Flower Cult.

http://www.guildportal.com/Guild.aspx?GuildID=112808&TabID=963406

Check us out.  We are run well, have interesting and talented people, and we are more than generous with knowledge and mission help. 

Christ, work is becoming a bitch.  And they fucking don't pay me well.  If it weren't for good supervisors (who are also underpaid) and good flexibility, I'd be gone.  For handling money in large amounts, compiling monthly reports on the most monotonous shit, and dealing with pissants everyday, I deserve a hell of a lot more.  Somehow, they expect me to be able to live off of that income.  My school classes are $20 a unit, and I'd barely be able to cover those expenses.

Karen, your point of view is becoming more and more enticing.

In other news, I believe I am attracted to moody and opinionated women.  Perhaps because I understand them very well, myself being moody and HIGHLY opinionated.  Not just attraction in a romantic interest, but friends and family too.  Maybe I should look for more stability, but hey, they keep it interesting.  Maybe I just am lucky enough to find women during that time of the month

I just installed Republic Commando on my brand spankin' new PC, and it looks pretty.  If you are like me, a so-so FPS player, Republic Commando is the game for you.  It has a simple squad command system and your team has good AI.  The action is both tactical and fast-paced, adding realism (funny thing in a Star Wars game) and intensity for you arcade shooter fans (ala Time Splitters).  Its not long, but its decently challenging and your squad keeps you entertained with interesting personalities and good VAs.  All in all, 7/10.  Good work Lucas Arts.  Not perfect, but pretty good.

Ladies and gentlemen, please do not go see Primeval.  That movie is going to suck.  The killer is a crocodile, and fuck spoiler alerts, especially cause movies doomed to failure like this don't deserve to have the plot kept a mystery.  Its Lake Placid trying to take itself seriously.  = not a good thing. 

 

Is it possible to confident in one's self without being completely arrogant? 

Side A: Yes.  When a man knows what he can do and what he can't do, and learns to live with that knowledge, he is content.  A man is comfortable with himself and it shows itself.  Any man who goes out of his way to show confidence in truth lacks said confidence and only over compensates with arrogance, which drives even open-minded people away.

Side B: No.  You are either confident or you aren't.  Either you trust in yourself completely or you don't at all.  There is no room for doubt, because doubt causes hesitation.  Hesitation leads to missed opportunities.  A life of missed opportunities is one worth regretting and perhaps not even worth living.  Weakness like that hurts you and those close to you, and does no one any favors.

Side C: No.  The "confidence" asked of a man in our time is impossible.  How can one be totally sure of themselves and humble at the same time?  If a man is sure of himself, he doesn't need people around.  He may want them around as people are enjoyable, but he doesn't need them.  And when this thought is conveyed to others, it receives reactions that spurn it as selfish and arrogant.

Side D: Yes, in a manner.  You know your own abilities.  Nobody else needs to.  Play to your own advantages and let the world see what you want it to see.  If it serves a man's purpose to be weak and submissive at a certain moment, he should do so.  In a similar vein, when arrogance and power is needed for display, they to should be ready and tested.  This can be done whether a man serves his own ends or others, and success in the endeavor is the only objective.

Take your pick.  

Ugh.  Walk the dogs.  Clean garage.  Hang wall clocks.  Clean the bathrooms.  Wash the cars (in 50 degree temperatures before intense wind chill).  And this is before noon.

Then, my mom, who had knee replacement surgery back in November, has a scare that she may have reinjured it.  This is of course, bad, and on top of that, it forces me to abandon Katie in the middle of conversation, while she was taking a bathroom break.

As the scare settles when we find out everything is okay, I try to talk to Karen, and I can't talk for more than 5 minutes without a "brb" on my part.

There is a rush to get the delicate plants covered in our large yard before they get covered in frost and it kills them.

Oh, and then the aforementioned wall clocks don't work properly, so I get to go stand in line at Tuesday Morning and argue with people to replace them.

And to top it all off, I got the chance to listen to Condelleza Rice try to explain how Bush's brilliant plant to send 21,000 troops to Iraq isn't escalation, but augmentation.  No, Ms Rice.  My very hot neighbor's boob job is an augmentation.  Send more troops into the most hostile zone on the planet is the very definition of escalation.  Dumb bitch. 

 

My uncle is in for surgery tomorrow.  It seems the generation before me is getting old, and their only comfort in it is telling me about how my time is coming.

I remember when my mom went in to surgery.  Now, I'm a stubborn guy.  I don't cry, I can take a lot of pain, and spend most of my time helping other people with their pain.  When my mom went under the knife, I spent the whole time consoling friends and family, because when a loved one goes in for surgery, all the medical accidents you've ever heard of come rushing back to memory.  I was a shoulder to cry on, a listener, and advice giver that day, which suits me fine.

But then I go over to Charlene's house.  And I'm telling her about my day, and she asked how my mom was doing.  (Sorry to keep you in suspense- my mom is fine and healthy as an ox )  I burst into tears.  I was a huge sobbing mess.  Every bit of worry in the farthest reaches of my mind began to multiply and spread, consuming my mental state like a virus.  I was embarassed out of my mind, but I couldn't stop.  There I was, a big, brawny 20 year old who enjoys contests of physical strength and intellectual challenges, and in that moment, I was as helpless as an infant.

Pathetic, yeah.  But she just held me.  It was a humbling moment.  And Charlene, if for some reason you ever read this, thank you until the end of time.  Both for being there and for not tellin' me mates

I really don't know if its okay to cry.  My gut says no.  If you got time to weep, you got time to fix shit.  But I get a lot of advice otherwise.  Such is life.

And Katie, I'm sorry.  And sorry for having to apologize so much.  We will talk soon. 

Ghostrider, out. 

I've been incognito for a while....for various reasons.  I remember a time, years ago, down in Rosarito.  My uncle used to own a home there, and we'd go play at the beach every day.  When I was ten, I got caught in a rip tide.  If you don't know what that is, imagine being under the water and suddenly being hit by a hard underwater current.  This current drags you over 50 feet into deeper water, and is far stronger than even the best swimmer.  If you catch it wrong, its like being barreled into by a football lineman and can send you tumbling.

I feel now like I've found my rip tide.  I am standing before it.  I see it, I can feel the verge beginning to pull.  I'm scared.  I'm defiant.  I'd jealous.  I'm bloodthirsty.  I'm excited.  I'm anxious.  It takes a life of its own and with a sick sense of purpose and a mind-shattering roar, it bellows a challenge.

Hehe...my response: meh.

 

Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipoténtem, factórem cæli et terræ, visibílium ómnium et invisibílium.  Et in unum Dóminum Iesum Christum, Fílium Dei Unigénitum, et ex Patre natum ante ómnia sæcula.  Deum de Deo, lumen de lúmine, Deum verum de Deo vero, génitum, non factum, consubstantiálem Patri: per quem ómnia facta sunt.  Qui propter nos hómines et propter nostram salútemdescéndit de cælis.  Et incarnátus est de Spíritu Sanctoex María Vírgine, et homo factus est.  Crucifíxus étiam pro nobis sub Póntio Piláto; passus, et sepúltus est, et resurréxit tértia die, secúndum Scriptúras, et ascéndit in cælum, sedet ad déxteram Patris.  Et íterum ventúrus est cum glória, iudicáre vivos et mórtuos, cuius regni non erit finis.  Et in Spíritum Sanctum, Dóminum et vivificántem: qui ex Patre Filióque procédit.  Qui cum Patre et Fílio simul adorátur et conglorifícatur: qui locútus est per prophétas.  Et unam, sanctam, cathólicam et apostólicam Ecclésiam.  Confíteor unum baptísma in remissiónem peccatorum.  Et expecto resurrectionem mortuorum, et vitam ventúri sæculi. Amen.

Just in case you were wondering. 

 

Man, I got owned in Guild Wars today.  We had a really fun scrimmage, and my monk was apparently walking around with a MASSIVE target on his forehead.  Maybe I should study American history...hehe...I have a test tomorrow.  But I must admit I'm more interested in this invinci-monk build that seemed to win the game for the other side.  Oh well.

Well, once I get more elite skills, maybe it will take longer for them to kill me...

4 awesome, and by awesome I mean RIDICULOUSLY FUCKING AWESOME, web comics that I recommend are

www.penny-arcade.com

www.vgcats.com

www.leasticoulddo.com

www.questionablecontent.net

Thought for the day: I don't care who directed it, who is in, what its about, or how hot the women are, each and every sports movie that has been made, is in production, or will ever be made will be FUCKING TERRIBLE.  Glory Road, you are the latest I add to the list. 

I wonder if these people will ever get their own stories straight.  Prices change every fucking day.  Shipping goes up and down at a whim.  And they fight with you every step of the way until you show them documented proof of what they promised beforehand.  Shit, I'm tired of these people.  And though you will never read this, to those few who are cool about it, I appreciate it beyond measure

I got a lot accomplished today.  I finished several important tasks at work.  I played GW for a little while.  I did well on a history test.  I talked to my friends for a little while.  I finally managed to find time to call Katie again.

Oddly enough, I feel empty.  I feel like my life is going nowhere.  I have a job, I'm in school (that right there is more than I can say for most of my extended family), I do more work around my house than is conceivable to my friends, I spend my days doing my best to make people feel good.  But, I'm unfulfilled.  Call me selfish, I don't care.  I know I'm young, but I want reward.  I've spend 20 years working hard.  I don't have much to show besides missed opportunities and regrets. 

The two women I've truly fallen in love with are gone, not because they wanted to leave or I did, but from circumstances none of us could control.  I preach great words and advice and can't follow them worth shit, making me a hypocrite of the first order and I live with shame for that.  I am forced to sit and watch selfish, rude, uptight people ascend higher than me.  Is it wrong to want something for me?  For once in my life, all I want is peace of mind.  No games, no TV, (maybe I'll request functioning internet ), just somebody to take me seriously.

My parents tell me to act my age, and treat me like a prepubescent teen.  My brother thinks he knows the world and that his set in stone opinions are worth more than everyone else's.  My sister has been drawn in to a crowd that finds its dignity in treating others like shit.  And me, I'm worse than all of them.

It hurts.  And I'm alone again.  Hehe...through my own doing too.  Most people don't have a fucking clue, and those that do I care about too much to say what I really feel, because I just can't tell if they can take the real me.  Most can't.  Most shouldn't.

The closest thing I can compare it to is this: I was alone.  I destroyed what company I had.  Then I found open arms, people willing to accept me.  I entered the group, enjoyed the comfort, and became so afraid of losing it, that I walled myself up within the group.  Now every laugh feels strained and superficial, every word is calculated and measured, every gesture made in fear of offending someone.

To those of you that know me, please tell me whether you want me to be honest.  Please tell me.  I can't live treading on ice and egg shells.  Any criticisms you have of me, please, tell me.  I can take them, because I've been through worse.  I just want to be able to say what I feel and not be hated for my opinion, for once. 

For as heartfelt as the previous post was, I know all too well that getting laid again will change my outlook drastically.  Hehe....the powers of a woman's embrace never cease to amaze.

Are humans inherently good, bad, or neutral?

My answer: neutral.

As a practicing Roman Catholic (that's what the post in Latin was about ) I am proud of my faith.  It has gotten me through tough times.  But there are certain things I disagree with it on.  Granted, such problems have more to do with the man-made institution of the Church, but a few dogmatic issues come to mind as well.  As a Catholic, I am supposed to believe people are inherently good natured, as we are created in God's image.  I do believe mankind was forged in the image of God, but not the way it is interpreted by most religious.

For the most basic interpretation, God doesn't look like us.  I've seen God, and she looks nothing like a human unless she wants to.  Call me fucking nuts, but hey, I'm call 'em like I see 'em.  We are apes, pure and simple.  We evolved from the same branch as chimpanzees.

For a spiritual interpretation, one would think that being made in God's image means being good natured by default.  This is incorrect in my view.  We are forged in God's image through our intellect.  Our intelligence and imaginations leave us capable of great and terrible things, just as God wields her own unfathomable power.  To think of it most simply, we are mini deities in our own right.  The question remains, for God and all of us, how to use such power.  God chose to love us beyond even our understanding, and that love has made her a benevolent and all powerful deity.  But we are a different story.

I am convinced that no one is born good or evil.  If at no cost to them, people will do the "right" thing, most probably because all species have the drive to continue their own existence.  But if their is a cost, it seems that people concern themselves only with their own wellbeing.  I'm not criticizing it, as it is instintcual, but it nevertheless is true.  Humans are born with a clean slate, and God's gift of free will let's us right as our story as we please.

Some may call me a pessimist, but this view leads to even better outlooks upon mankind as far as I see it.  For one, it makes the great achievements and even the small ones all the more valuable, as it shows we have to work for good things.  The drive for greatness will make humans all the better.  Secondly, it means that there is hope for even the worst of us.  With a little (or a lot of) help, people can be saved.

All in all, despite our occassional massive fuckup, I see good things in the future for us.

One might ask why I picked the name "Shadowseer"....and if not, well, I'm going to tell you

Nerd that I am, I play a table top game called Warhammer 40,000.  It is a universe set 40,000 years from now, with all sorts of alien races as well as humans.  It is terribly gothic and horrendously violent, with the lines between good and evil blurred to almost complete nonrecognition.  Think Starship Troopers meets Star Wars meets Star Trek meets Lord of the Rings meets Battlefleet Galactica meets Marylin Manson meets Evanescence meets Dungeons and Dragons

One of the races is called the Eldar.  They are basically emo/sci-fi versions of Tolkein's Eldar or Elves.  They are led by, for lack of a better term, powerful witches and warlocks called seers.  Some have prophetic powers and are called Farseers.  The other major type are called Shadowseers. 

Shadowseers work with deception and influence.  They cannot see the future as can the Farseers.  They bend and twist the thoughts of others around them, making the target's mind register only what the Shadowseer wants it to.  With this awesome ability, they fight for their own race, guiding them on a path to saftey from their immortal enemy, a demon god of pain and pleasure.

Has my nerdhood blown you mind yet?

I seek to be a Shadowseer.  I wish to be heard and not seen.  I wish my influence to be felt even when it appears I am not involved.  I desire to work from the shadows with only a select few knowing my true face.  What I do is not done for recognition.  It is done because somebody is going to profit from it, whether that be me or someone else.  Ultimately, my desire is for great power because (and perhaps this is arrogant and ignorant, but I care not) I have seen too many crudely wield great strength and bring others down with them.  I believe I can do better, for me and for all of us.

I've had quite a bit of trouble recently with relaying the concept of platonic love, both to men and women.  I have a large number of female friends (no, I'm not gay, for those of you ready with your stereotypes) and that's what they are- friends.  A few of them, I've had crushes on in the past, a few I've slept with.  But as of this moment, we are FRIENDS.

Some guys I know are completely incapable of believing that my friendships with women are anything less that my total desire to bed them.  This includes those friends' boyfriends, many of my guy friends, and even my own brother.  To all of you, I'm not in a pissing contest with you, I'm not trying to fuck your woman.  You should be grateful that your girlfriend/sister/etc has a friend they can trust and who can stand up for you and your interests as a man when they want to rip you a new one.

Some women I know are either paranoid that any and all conversation I try to initiate with them has the eventual goal of intercourse (these are women I've known for years by the way, not strangers at a club or something) or they mistake my kindness and genuine appreciation for them as romantic interest and subsequently want a relationship.  To all of you, cut me a little slack.  In the first scenario, I think I've been plenty nice enough and told you about my intentions enough times to earn that much.  In the second, I'm sorry if I'm hurting you, but I don't want a relationship with you.  I'd say "its not you, its me", but in truth, its neither.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and I may be a fool for not wanting you more, but its my decision.

I don't enjoying using old, tired cliches, but this one sums up my point the best.

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

To all of you that this is directed, I can guarantee two things:

1) If given the choice, I will take a bullet for you, be tortured in your place, and will remain loyal to you beyond my dying breath.

2) I'm going to be honest with you.  If I fall for someone, I'm not going to hide it.

I'm walking down Broadway this morning....I see all kinds of Hispanics.  I'm half mexican and proud (though honest) about my heritage.  Yet I know in my heart they will never accept me because of my white skin.

I'm walking down Winnetka, coming home from the movie theater, surrounded by white people.  I knew in my heart, that if they knew I was Mexican, not to mention that I embraced it, they would never accept me.

And it hits me.  I have no people.  I've sought relationships and bonds with people to replace those that have been shattered over the course of my life.  I want to be able to identify with people beyond the usual ascepts of me, like nerd, jock, etc., because there is more to me than that.

I'm not claiming to be a victim of racism, because other than the feeling of distance, its caused me no pain.  I'm saying that people, including me, are too fearful.  So, let's try this:

I am white.  This means I can't dance, can potentially bore the fuck out of you, and have a comfortable middle class life (I know what the last one makes you think, and let me say "Shut up" because statistically, this stereotype is true)

I am mexican.  I've spent a night in jail (or so I'm told), I can hop fences very well, I love mariachi music and beans.

But....

My three favorite musical pieces ever are You Know My Name by Chris Cornell, Hypnotize by System of a Down, and Bach's Cello Suite No.1

My absolute favorite food in the world is Pork Egg Foo Yung.

I am an aspiring fantasy/sci-fi writer, and have a love for paleontology, which as of now is my desired career.

I played football and threw shot put in high school, as well as being an active member of the philosophy and political clubs, with enough AP classes to choke a horse.

To me, the only two forces that should matter to a person are love and honor, in that order.

My father has been a priest, teacher, and lawyer, as well as becoming a high school principle at 28.

My mother has worked everywhere from Shakey's Pizza to CalFed bank to an elementary school and is, without a doubt, the finest soul I have ever met.

 

 

Okay people.  I have spilled my guts and heart out for you to see, and there is nothing to fear.  Your turn.