Alrighty.  I'm going to start a new tradition today.  Whenever I post, I'm going to post a link to the song that I'm feelin' for the day.  Feel free to tell me what you think of the song, and my emotions, which may or may not be tied to it.  But you have to listen to the song at least once, even if you've heard it before.  That's your end of the bargain.   Honor code here.  Most of the peeps who read this bitchin' blog are cool enough to do that much for me, methinks

http://radioblogclub.com/open/69000/mad_at_gravity/Mad%20At%20Gravity%20-%20Burn

Ghostrider, out. 

I tell you, I want to roar like a lion.  I feel pent up, like a caged beast.  I want to be able to release, to shake my chains, if for only one night, and slake my thirst, my hunger, my lust.

http://radioblogclub.com/open/118419/los_angeles_is_burning/Bad_Religion_-_Los_Angeles_Is_Burning

I feel like a gladiator of old, so used to bloodshed and death, that its all he knows and the only thing that keeps him in reality.  Just let him loose, so that for a few brutal seconds, he can do what he was born for.  Set the world in flames.

Well, yay.  I made a nice little cut of a pool my friends and I were in, and thank you Joseph Addai and Dominique Rhodes for your contributions to the victories for me and the Colts :D

You two deserved the MVP, not Peyton.  But, to Peyton's credit, I can't call him the "best quarterback never to have won a super bowl" anymore.

My party was a success, so today proved much better than yesterday.  Of course, today had plenty of liquor and an exciting football game (not to mention good food ), so it should be better than yesterday.

Since it just hit me I didn't write what happened yesterday, here goes:

Its about 9AM, and I'm covered in mud, digging up an old, dead cherry tree from my yard. 

One thing about my family is that we are the only people within a 1/4 mile radius that doesn't use gardeners.  I don't live in some damn gated community, but all the people around us, like us, are hard-working middle class people.  Rightfully so, they don't want to have to worry about yardwork on the weekends.  But we do.  And I'm certainly not
complaining, as it instilled a sense of discipline in me.

Anyway, I'm digging up this cherry tree, and these teenage sons of the gardeners working across the street are sitting there, drinking soda, laughing at me and my brother.  I understand enough Spanish to know what they were talking about, and let's just say I wasn't enjoying it.  My response was "shut your mouths, you dirty fuckers," in Spanish of course just to add that extra affect.  Man, were they pissed.  We were just about to brawl before their dads stopped them.  Hehe...good thing too...anybody who has seen me and my brother fight knows what happens when we get riled up.

Later, everything in terms of the preparation for my party is going wrong.  The glass window in our living room shattered.  I still have no idea why.  But I had to get it replaced on a Saturday.  Yay.  My sister had bought garlic croissant mix for the pigs-in-blankets.  Yuck.  My brother did not wash the cars as he had promised.  Shit, more work for me to do.  Then Jason calls, and tells me that he just decided to invite 20 more people, all girls, to what was going to be an all guys football party.  Huh, I guess I have to stop at Vons

Eventually, I try chatting with the guild from Guild Wars and with a few people online.  That got me NOWHERE.  Hehe...I can't be mad and I'm not, as they have lives and shit to do.  But man, I was a fifth wheel.  My only contributions were bad jokes.  I had to cut my losses and get out (yes, that was a contrasting reference to my gambling mentioned earlier, terrible joke #23)

Sooooo.......

It wasn't a good day.  But today was better.  Much better.  The party was excellent, and while I thought women would be a drag on a football gathering, I have to hand it to the ladies here today.  You were a lot of fun  :D

Oh, and Karen, you might want to get your lawyers together.  Your patent has been infringed on.  I asked a very cute Korean girl named Julie for her number.  She gave me the number to a Dominos.

There was some retribution though, because I knew the number already and said "If you didn't want to give me a number, you can just say something to that effect.  Besides, we don't need pizza here too."  Terrible line, I know, but I said it in my usual, smirking, holier-than-thou attitude, and she got pissed, but hey...I say she deserved it.

http://radioblogclub.com/open/53560/souvenier/KoRn%20-%20Souvenier%20of%20Sadness 

Tonight, I'm going to sit down and stuff my face with more food than I can imagine.  I'm going to eat until I can't comfortably move, which, if you know me, is a ridiculously high amount of food.  Then I'm going to get drunk, which will hopefully take a long time with all the food .  Then I'm going to bleed, bleed just enough to write my own name in blood.  I'll take a picture of it, if anyone thinks I don't have the balls.

Tomorrow, I'm going to wage war upon myself.  Intellectually, physically, and spiritually, I'm going whip my ass into better shape than I've ever been.  Friends, comrades, lend me your aid.  I make proud boasts now, but my resolve will be tested.  If I know you support me, it will make it all the better and fulfilling when I succeed.

The last few years of my life have been a long, slow, sticky orgy of me satisfying my own lusts and desires.  Now I must save myself and realize my true potential, lest I be consumed by very real demons.

http://radioblogclub.com/open/85219/the_world_is_not_enough/Garbage%20-%20The%20world%20is%20not%20enough 

I see them.  They dance and taunt.  They reach out and caress my soul, whispering promises which I find nearly irresistible and yet I know they are lies.  They are lies given form.  They are my own whims given horrible intellect and purpose.

They love me and hate me, for I love them and hate them.  I am their temple, their lodgings, their very existence.  Yet I am their bane, their terror, and lord and master.  I hold power over them, and yet they twist and manipulate me.  They grant me strength while sapping my vitality.

They laugh.  They all laugh.  They know my weakness, the gaps in my armor.  My armor used to protect me, it used to shield me.  Now it traps me in with them.  It is as being trapped in a room filling with water.  Do I wait and drown?  Do I open the flood gates and accept it more quickly?

For my rage, they bring decadence.  For my pleasure, they bring hatred.  For my ambition, they bring despair.  For my fear, they bring lies.

Why do I see them?  I do not know.

Only a few are able to calm them.  They cannot stand the presence of those few.  The words of my "friends" are like pure bolts of pain to these abominations of my other-world.  Where these creatures seek to bring discord and confusion, my friends bring balance and light.

They are afraid of the light.

But I cannot rely on my friends for long.  The demons are every bit as cunning as I, and they will use me if they can.

I tell you beasts now, I will not be cowed.  I am stronger than you.  If it takes all the years of my life, I will purge each and every last one of you, for my pride and my courage will never tire.  I will become the light that you fear, and then you will live writhing in agony as I have.  You will become trapped as I have.  To quote an old saying, "Faith is my shield.  Purity is my armor.  Rage is my sword." 

Well, I think I'm going cold turkey on dating for a while.  I have assessed my current situation and found even my desirable attributes rather lacking.  Dating someone of Charlene's caliber was a one time thing, that I'm now sure of, especially considering what I have to offer.  Mostly I'm peeved because all of my attempts as of late have resulted in quite miserable failures, and I'm not even asking the cream of the crop yet.

Unfortunately, to get where I want to be (especially physically) is going to take a lot of time.  I've always prided myself on being able to talk myself into and out of almost any situation, but counter-examples are popping up to often now.  I need some substance to back up my requests, something better to offer than myself.

Its funny.  I frequently call my brother "the better me".  In truth, he is.  If I could put my brain in his body...hehe...woe betide the world.  You women wouldn't stand a chance.    But alas, I have to stop daydreaming (its a rather enjoyable break from the demonic nightmare vision, I must say) and get to work.  I have to work with what I have in the hopes that fortunes turn out better.

Part of me is screaming WTF?! and rightfully so.  I mean, I'm going through fucking withdralls from lack of affectionate companionship and my balls are bluer than the afternoon sky, so maybe it isn't the best time for me to do this, but its looking more and more like I have no choice.  And the best/worst part? Almost EVERYBODY I know just had a great Valentine's Day with the one they love.  I've had 7 girlfriends in my life, dating all the way back to 6th grade.  Never once were in relationships long enough to celebrate it.  Fucking yay.

I'll be subjected to downright torture, have no doubts.  I'm willingly beginning a brutal assault on my body in order to improve my self image.  Call me superficial, but hey, I need it.

I don't ask you for much.  I've mostly figured you don't deal much with the physical world.  It would kinda throw off the whole free will thing.  I've tried to serve you well, and I know my debt is still not paid.

Please, make them stop.

They talk incessantly.  They whisper to me what they want, and what deep down I know is what I want. I'm feverish and sick right now.  With my physical body weak, they grow all the stronger.

The worst part is that I label them as separate beings, when I know full well they are me.

Please, just give me a little peace.

                                                                             John.
 

My trust was betrayed today.  I trusted someone with the confidential knowledge of my thoughts.   They told someone else, who told someone else, and now more than a few people hate me or fear me.

The hate I can deal with.  If you can't deal with my opinion of you without wanting to boil my blood, so be it.

Its the fear that gets me.  People I've known for a while now look at me as if I were a threat.  They've heard my thoughts, and they think I've lied and am concealing a dark side.

Am I crazy?  No...of that I'm still certain.  To me, the visions are nothing more than my inability to reconcile my own off-kilter emotions.  My mind gives them faces and personas, ones that prove especially difficult to tune out.

There is NOTHING to be afraid of with me.  I hope that people understand that.  I'm not nuts, I'm not going to hurt you, there is no animal in me waiting to be unleashed.  Hehe...if you talk to Karen, you'd know I'm a sissy.

I've saved a child from a speeding car.  I've wrestled down a frenzied great dane.  I've helped friends write term papers and can single handedly throw the old cherry tree from our yard on my back and carry it to the rented dumpster.   God blessed me with a cunning and intelligent mind, and with a physical strength to, if nothing else, earn me some measure of respect.

I fear almost nothing.  I have no compunction about taking a bullet or leaping into a fire.   I refuse to let my fear control me, because it destroys what rational and love I have.  But the one thing....the ONE thing...I hate and fear most in this world, that thing that is the stuff of my nightmares and drives me to act arrogant and step with bravado....is powerlessness.

I sit here envisioning the time when I can do nothing, when my mind and body have been broken, either by some terrible force or by time itself.  It haunts my steps.  For all my power, it will one day be taken from me.  I felt a taste of that today.  Someone important to me came to me for help, for guidance, or maybe just for someone to hear shouts of frustration when no one else would listen.  By a stroke of luck, I was able to hear her and get a chance to talk to her.

And by a twist of fate, I am left powerless to help her.  I can do nothing but compare my tales of sorrow and woe, which while pathetic, are all I have to give.  I have dozens of dizzying thoughts and opinions, at least one of which may hold a piece of the puzzle she seeks to solve.  I am no fool.  I understand what she will or will not say, and why.  It does not take a psychology degree to know what I think I know.  But I lack the courage to show her my mind, to worried at the consequences of any suggestions.

She has meant more to me in recent times than many people have in the entirety of my blip of an existence.  At times I must ask the One who knows my future why I am to be the one she goes to if I can do nothing for her.  Surely someone closer, someone more intelligent, someone less corrupt than myself could find the answers she needs.  But then I am asked (or am asking myself, for I am not sure which) who?  Who would do this?  And even this I cannot answer, for I do not know the answer and am afraid that if I did, she would have no need of me, like many of those who once called me 'friend.'

I pray now, my God.  The traditional prayer would be for me to ask you for the strength to help those who need it.  But I've too much pride for that.  Show me the way to find the strength buried within me.  I can feel it there.  When I clench my fist or calm my mind, I can almost see it there, as a river held by dam, waiting to be unleashed.  Even if it destroys me, I never want to have utter pathetic, useless words to her again.

It sounds so cliche to me now, so emo that my immediate instinct is to make fun of it, only held in check by the knowledge that I would be making a bafoon of myself.  But I must say it.

I ask only to die with the knowledge that someone I care for knows that I do. 

1) I need to stop acting like a little bitch.

2) Those of you who read these entries need to know something.  These are not well thought out pieces of literature.  These are me, pouring out my insanity for a select few to see.  Take what I say with a big grain of salt, for I may change my mind the second after I hit "Post Entry."  But I will not be apologetic for my thoughts and opinions.  If you fear me or what I write, stay the fuck off this webpage.

I got this from a friend of my sister.  Usually I'm not this optimistic, but for a few of you readers, this holds so very true.

"If I could buy you for what you think you're worth and sell you for what you're really worth, I'd make a fortune." - unknown