March 24th, 2007

As I'm told, it goes like this:

 Apparently, I got hammered last night, on scotch, considering the bottles on the floor.

I demanded to see Erica, to give her a lecture on not being so moody.  My brother had to physically restrain me from taking the car, and he called Erica who came over and took me for a drive.  I guess my grand lecture never happened, because I passed out in the car.  She calls in her cousin who helps haul my ass into a bed in her house.  She thought of calling my brother, but she wanted to spare my parents of the sight of me last night.

I wake up this morning, confused and with a massive headache, the only comfort being the familiar smell of Erica's room.  I was in her bed, and she was in her sister's, who was at a friend's house for whatever reason.  Down to my boxer-briefs, I ask what the hell I'm doing there, cause let's face it, I'm to hungover to know wtf is going on.  She says I was piss drunk and circumstances led me to being there (such circumstances were later explained obviously).  I asked her if I hurt her or anyone else, and she says "probably not."  She asked me what the hell I had gotten drunk for, and I went into an explanation of this shitty week, which can be read more about below.

So there I was, confident I had a sympathetic ear and someone who would agree with.  She gets straight out of bed, walks right over, and slaps the fuck out of me.  She says I'm an arrogant, obnoxious asshole who's too selfish and absorbed in my own delusions of grandeur to notice when to stfu.  I grabbed my washed clothes, and tried to leave.  I really couldn't say anything or do anything.  And then she tells me she's going to Florida with her sister, transferring to the school very soon.

I've never liked the notion of God punishing people.  To me, shit happens and we get on with life or we don't.  Its hard to feel that way now.  I have blood on my hands, the smell of drink on my breath, and the women I love are being taken from me, one by one.  Even those that haven't left me completely yet feeling nothing but anger towards me now.

I had such good intentions.  Where did I lose them?   Where did I lose myself?  Am I such a bad person that the almighty is forced to take those I love from me?  All I wanted to do was be loyal and true, to be loving and helpful.  And I look in the mirror and I see none of it.  I'm hypocritical and sycophantic, insensitive and arrogant.

I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I prostrate myself before those of you I've maimed and God herself, and ask for forgiveness.   I swear I'm trying, trying to be a good man.  For all of you.