And now we witness the effects of starvation.  Delusions, outbursts, weakness, exhaustion.

The organ is gripped like in the fist of a giant, squeezed into a state of pain, and the mind begins to whirl.

So attempts are made to feed it, grabbing rotten sustenance or stealing nourishment from the unwitting.

I'm laughing again and I don't know why.  I suppose its better than anything else, eh?  

I hurt everywhere.  My body, my spirit, my heart, my mind.  Why is it that I keep fighting?

Losing the love of my life on Christmas Eve and mistaking friendship for love after failings in the relationship scene have taken a toll on me in many ways.  When I get a date, it either results in "you're such a nice guy...let's be friends" (read: you're too ugly for me) or I'm getting used for some purpose.  Perhaps this is why only when I'm horsing around with my brother or wandering the San Gabriel Valley with Karen am I truly happy.

I tried explaining that to Michael, and his response is the one I imagine most people would give: "Dude, go out and keep trying to date.  You're bound to find someone.  Hell, have you even thought about asking Karen out?"

Two points in response:

1) its been over four months and I've asked at least two dozen women out, and of the four that have gone out with me, one told me I "wasn't her type", two said they'd rather be friends, and the fourth used me like a dirty handkerchief

2) I'm saying this for that last time.  Karen doesn't feel that way about me, and even if she did, she loves her current boyfriend, and to ask her to cheat on him would be lower than low.

But for as much as I denounce the idea, I still have hope.  I have hope because I have been given hope by someone speshul.

Yes, I'm an ugly, powerful, frightening, manipulative monster.  But maybe, just maybe, I can be a force for good to the people that know me.

Is there something within me capable of this?  I hope so.

Maybe, just maybe, the chance for me to be a good man hasn't passed by.  Maybe I'm not as set in my ways as I thought, and I can still find the love that I was looking for.  Maybe I can prove myself not to be so stupid.

I always win.  I never lose.  No one can beat me.  No one has the advantage, no one ever has the upper hand.  I'm always one step ahead.  I'm always two moves in advance.  I never lose.

I thought I met my match in the man in white.  But ultimately, I defeated him too.  Its just a matter of time until my victory, just a matter of time until I prevail.

Right? 

 

As soon as I posted that last one, I regretted it.  I can't be so dumb anymore.  Ultimately, I've got to go with the flow.  When all is said and done, am I going to be standing or crying in the corner?  Things turn out the way they will.  That's how it always is, how it always will be.  Whatever comes in the future for me, good or ill, it will not find me weak.  Strength and honor.  Loyalty and love.  I am a man who holds those values higher than any.  It is time I started acting like it.

I decided to catalog some (hopefully most, and in my wildest fantasy all) of my dreams.  I figure I'd scare the shit of you people some more.

Last night, Karen and I watched Heroes, and it was pretty good.  The show as a whole tends to sputter out in places, but overall, I must say I'm impressed.  And if you know me and my distaste for television, that's quite the compliment.  Anywho, my dream...

I'm in Isaac's room (yes, the dead future-painting dude).  Karen and I and Mohinder are there, looking for clues to Sylar's whereabouts.  Apparently, I had the ability control the carbon in my body, allowing me to make my body extremely durable and tough.  In other words, I could make my skin as hard as diamond.  (If you've ever seen FMA and the Homonculi "Greed", you'll know what I mean)  Karen had some type of freakishly powerful telekinetic ability.  In other words, she could move stuff with her mind, amplified by emotion.  And Mohinder was just himself.  Also, Karen is in love with Sylar.  More than likely, this part was because when she and I watched the show, she made numerous references to how hawt she thinks Sylar is.  Hehe, I don't see it, but then I guess that's why I don't have a taste in men.  Anyway, after some mindless dialog and searching for clues, Sylar shows up to kill me and of course, take my ability.  I assure you, being as durable as diamond would be awesome

We fight, and given the fact that its Sylar, I'm losing.  Just as he is about to perform his little lobotomy on me (for some reason, as I tire, my ability to control my skin's durability weakens), Karen screams and produces a violent shockwave, destroying the entire building in seconds.  I'm buried under rubble, though I'm fine.  Sylar gets pretty messed up, though his wonderful abilities mean he's alive too.  Karen floats down to the ground and asks Sylar to stop.  Sylar struggles visibly against some kind of warring emotions inside of him (my guess, he has feelings for you Karen  , but he then tries again to go zombie-style on my brain.  Karen screams again and grabs him with her power and basically throws him for a few hundred miles.  I get up and walk over to Karen, who is on her knees crying.  I kneel down next to her and hug her, and get royally pissed at Sylar again.  Fin.

Feel free to interpret my insanity as you wish.

Okay, so I'm making copies today and the cute girl I asked out last week shows up again, this time with another very cute friend of hers.  In case it isn't painfully obvious (and if you know me, it should be) I got turned down. 

I've got my MP3 player on, trying to ignore the world, but damn me if I could take my eyes off of these two.  My mind cycled through the standard dude-imaging when you see two very cute girls together.  Hehe, you know what I mean.  You see yourself with one of them, then with the other, then both at the same time, then just the two of them together.  But I held a straight face despite my obvious imaginative adventure.  I might have been trying a little hard to look uninterested, as I've been told that somehow might translate into confidence.

Ultimately though, I found I didn't give a damn.  I mean, I asked her out, she said no, and her friend doesn't seem like my type at all (of course, were her friend to ask me, I'd give an emphatic yes, but let's leave hypocrisy aside for the moment).  I just turned up the music and went about making copies, and let them do the same.  It did sting a little at first when they didn't even seem to notice my presence, but again my traditional will of cold steel helped.  If I can be ignored, so can I ignore.  I've got nothing against them, and perhaps some reaction would be nice, but I've got to stop waiting around for a good sign, because they aren't coming my way.  The only two women in the world right now who have any inkling of feeling towards me are ones I can't touch, and the rest seem, well, indifferent.

Hehe, Erica once compared life to grabbing the fin of a dolphin and riding where it takes you.  It seems mine is a shark instead, and when I try to grab and miss, it bites in and rips a chunk out of me.  Unless I want to die slowly and painfully, I can't keep missing.  Either that or I kill the shark and float and bleed for eternity.

So, for those few of you that read this, any help would be appreciated.  I am looking for a woman who is a little bit crazy, a little cute, and can talk to me.  Tell them that if they are tired of dealing with men who can't or won't listen to them, who don't treat them like the princesses they are, or who just don't make them happy, to give me a call.  Tell them that I regard my significant others as peers and lovers.  While I might treat you like a princess, I demand respect and will not tolerate being used.  Tell them that I can be sensitive, understanding, and caring, and even in some moments, weak.  But when called upon to make decisions and to stand up for what and who I believe in, there is no one stronger.  Love and loyalty, stength and honor.  Those are the virtues I live by, forged literally with blood, sweat, and tears.  I'm not afraid of commitment, nor am I overly attached.  All in all, me makey good boyfriend.

This may very well be the dumbest thing I've ever said or done (and Karen, pipe down before you retort to that) but I think I've realized that even I can't stand alone much longer.

You ever get one of those moments where you are completely dumbstruck?  You see something that can't possibly real?

Its been a busy day.  I had a lot of copies to make and mail to other offices, including a big emergency one that needed to be overnighted.  Anyway, I get it all done, and I go down to the mailroom, which happens to be right next to the dup shop.  There is this girl there I've been looking to ask out, and idiot that I am, I almost forgot that I wanted to.  So I'm down there and I drop off the mail, and I see her.  Now, she's no stunner/bombshell/whatever; she's kinda cute.  I saw her sitting at a desk, her hair in a ponytail, light shining through the window at the perfect angle, and her head is down as if reading something.  I almost gasped.  I swore I was looking at the woman from the dream I mentioned a while back, the one the man in white stole from me.

The thing about seeing angels and demons is that you never get used to it.  I've seen them plenty of times, and angels, even if they bring terrible news or wrath with them, are inhumanly beautiful.  I've noticed that for as shockingly gorgeous as angels are, I prefer humanity.  Somehow angels always manage to make you feel less than them, and guilty for no apparent reason.  I prefer what I saw in that girl today.  Serene, calm, whatever.  Some may say I'm a deserpate lunatic seeing things where nothing exists.  Hehe, I say to you, prove me wrong.  I don't even know this woman, so it surprises me too. 

Hehe, even my confidence about asking her has been shaken.  But we all know how long that will last

In the Chronicles of Narnia, written by C.S. Lewis, there is a legendary stag (white, I think).  It is said to be uncatchable.

Last night, I dreamt I was in a forest, pursuing this white stag on a horse that was black as night.  I would chase the stag for long periods of time, only for the poor horse to tire out.  When I would stop, the stag would stop, as if waiting for me or wanting the pursuit to continue.  After repeating this a few times, I began to ponder what the stag might be thinking.  Maybe it was the horse.  Maybe it was me.  But something scared it when I would approach.  And then I tried something new.  I got off the horse and led it to a creek.  I let the horse drink and I waited.  I sat on the bank of the creek and watched the stag.  Slowly, the stag approached, creeping towards the creek.  It reached the edge and eyed me carefully, and leaned in a took a drink.  My horse and I remained calm and relaxed, letting the stag get comfortable.  Finally, I reached out a rubbed the stag's head, to which it nodded in approval.

Feel free to interpret my insanity as you wish.

The lesson I've learned: patience. 

 

Let me explain a few things.  I've read a lot of manga, and when you've read a lot of manga, you invariably run into male characters who subjugate themselves to mental and emotional torture because they are in love with a woman who either is in love with someone else and/or the dude's friend.  They use reasoning along the lines that as long as she's happy, everything is okay, or that they don't want to ruin the friendship by making a move she might not approve of.  Hear me now, I'm only going to say this once.  I'm not like that.  I never have been, never will be.

Almost everyone of my girlfriends had been a friend of mine beforehand, and even now I have feelings for my best friend.  But you know what?  I'm not afraid to say it.  Of course I want them to be happy more than anything, but I have a right to be happy too.  And I'm not happy sitting and moaning about why the fates are so cruel.  If she really is your friend and doesn't want a relationship, then goddamnit, let it go and be friends.  If she does feel for you, then by all means, love her the way she deserves to be loved, but there comes a point where, like my old man said, "you have to shit or get off the pot."  It is excrutiatingly painful to constantly wonder what could have been, to hold foolish hope.  Wishes and dreams don't change a woman's mind.  Action and appreciation do.  If you spend your days dreaming, life will pass you by.  Make your intentions known, and let the woman choose. 

And a side note for you ladies: Please.  I'm begginng you.  Don't leave the guy hanging.  It hurts like hell when we don't know what you want.  Rejection can be dealt with.  Approval is more than welcome.  But that limbo in between is torture.  Hehe, and you know damn well when a guy has fallen for you too, especially the normally shy ones, so no excuses.  "Saving him" from the pain of rejection is bullshit.

Well, I'm on my high horse now.

To those of you that would refute me, know a few things:

1) I've dealt with far too much rejection in my short time here to answer to accustations that I don't know what I'm talking about

2) things don't work out like they do in the movies- happy endings are a farce: they don't happen unless you try and even then, half the time you will fail

3) there is no one person for everyone; even those people madly in love were not brought together by fate; you find someone, you find that special connection, and you love each other, simple as that

Now, I'm going to go put on my kevlar and wait, because I have at least four close female friends who are going to attack me to no end over this rant.  If I survive the ordeal, I'll see ya'll tomorrow

Mind: Crap.  That's a no.

Heart: No it isn't.

Mind: Don't be a moron.

Heart: Ya fuckin' pessimist.  Was it said?

Mind: Perhaps not in so many words, but yes, it was.

Heart: Prick!

Mind: Dumbass!

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP!  I'm trying to sleep, you assholes. 

You know, I find it annoying that angels love to tell you what they think is important information and give you tasks to do, but when you really need advice, they are as silent as the atheists and agnostics believe they are.

And yes, I mean literal angels.

The demons of couse never shut up.

Do strength and sensitivity go together?  Can one be assertive and compassionate at the same time?  I'm rather eager to find out the answers.

In other news, I will be writing a new story, parts of which will be posted here.  This story will involve angels and demons (all fictional; I haven't yet been commissioned to write the biography of God )  Its going to feature action, romance, and apocalyptic happenings.  Good fun for all ages, as long as your children can handle beatific creatures bathing in each other's blood and the occasional described sex scene.  

 

As soon as I let go, I wanted to hold you again. I wanted to see your pretty face, I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to savor the moment as if it were our last. But its not. We have time, and a chance for many happy moments together. I love you.

Alright, I have a bit to say to a few people whose names will be left out for privacy, but titles will be included so you know who you are

my girlfriend: I'm doing everything I can not to act like a giddy idiot.  You make me as happy as I've ever been.  And I plan to return that feeling a thousand fold.  May I have this dance, my princess?

my long distance friend: I've been a prick, and I apologize.  I can't reciprocate your feelings, nor can I have an intimate relationship over that kind of distance.  Understand that I made this decision because of my wants and needs, not because there is anything wrong with you.  You know in your heart I wish you only the best.  I want to be your friend if you haven't decided I'm not worth it.  We'll talk soon.

my "newfound" cousin: I've always wanted to be close to you.  You and I seem to share similar interests and personality traits, and with our recent discovery that we both like Questionable Content A LOT, I hope we can be better friends and cousins.

my other darling cousins, "The Professor" and "The Girl Who Doesn't Play Nice" : The four of us (including the aforementioned cousin) should still plan on getting together for lunch.  We all work in LA and I'm closer to you ladies than anyone but my own siblings.  For that matter, I consider the three of you nothing less than sisters.

 

In other news, I'm swamped with work and wondering why I'm here at the computer because it will probably make someone mad at me ^_^

 

 

Hehe, they wonder why we drive fast.  Have you ever felt it?  The roar of the engine in front of you?  The feeling of control under your feet?  The smooth spin of the wheel?  Effortlessly gliding in between slower cars?

Although, unless you understand the machine around you, you shouldn't be allowed to touch it.

A tad cheesytastic, yes.  Ambiguous enough to allow the show to continue with any affordable storyline, yes.  Disappointing, yes.

The epsiode wasn't bad.  People got shot right and left, Hiro was cool and whatnot, but I was hoping for something that would pop, something that wouldn't be so cliche.  But hey, that's why I don't watch TV much anymore, right?

In other news, I've entered into a new guild (considering situation with my old one, there would plenty of "awkward turtles" for my girl if she or I stayed, and she doesn't need that).  I've only met the new group once, but they seem really cool.  Funny as hell (in a manner similar to Karen) and the guild leader enjoys e-humping everything that moves.  They were really enjoyable, at least for that first day, and hopefully we've got a good guild wars home to stay in for now.

It really sucks that I can't do this stuff more often.  I spend all day working or in school, I get home late, have to clean and do chores, workout so that my eating habits don't ruin my body completely, and so many of my e-friends I don't get to see because of time constraints, and all Karen gets is a broken, exhausted shell of me who won't shut up about sex or making intentionally bad jokes.

Hehe, how is it that I can lead such a busy and boring life?

On a side note, I'm thinking of double majoring in geology and theology now.  The dinosaurs and the world's religions have always been interests of mine, and now I have even more reason because of that $30 million museum that doesn't believe in evolution and shows T-rex chicks playing with human children in loincloths.  Wow.  I'm a very religious guy (albeit my own interpretations) but seriously.  There's faith and then there is moronic ignorance.

Ugh...pre-cal final tomorrow.  Hehe, I've got so much shit to do, and all I want to do is hold Karen.  Things are so much simpler with her.  I don't have to worry about my problems, I just relax.

Here at the office, they want me to reveiw some attorney's opening statement, and I've explained to them I need to leave no later than 3, but they say to come anyway.  My ego is a little stoked that they would ask me to do that, but at the same time, I'm fuckin' leaving at 3, regardless of any cries for further assistance.

Day in and day out, its the same thing.  If I'm not buried with work here, I'm buried with work from school, or I have more damn chores.  I bought F.E.A.R two weeks ago, and I haven't even had the chance to really play yet.  I've got a hundred voices calling out for my attention and they aren't the kind of people you can just tell to shut up.

xD  I get off the phone with Karen during my break this morning, and I walk towards the metal railings and I punch it absent mindedly.  When I was in high school, my defensive line/linebacker coach would have us punch things to toughen up our hands, and now I like to do it at random, to test my endurance.  Don't call me a meathead, because I'm educated and odds are I can talk you into believing your grandmother is gay, and if she is in fact gay, that she's only pretending.   I value physical and mental strength equally for the following reasons:

1) Brute strength means nothing against a perfectly laid trap

2) Mental strength means nothing when getting your face pounded in

Anyway, I punch the railing, and I get this look from the security guard.  Its this older woman who wears too much makeup and you wonder why they would even hire the poor thing to defend a lemonade stand, much less the Court of Appeals.  She's pretty much terrified of me, although again, that may have been exaggerated by the makeup, and I just laugh and keep walking.

Hehe, I wish I had a nickel for everytime that happened: I do something that makes someone think I'm crazy and all I can do is laugh.

In other news, last night I tried to explain to my sweetheart of a girl about my dark and terrible fantasies of war.  D:  I play and write story for some very violent and brutal science fiction and fantasy settings, and while she said she was curious to understand what I liked, I'm fairly certain I weirded her out.  Yeah, she's a nerd, but I'm a HUGE nerd (in more ways than one) and she is a doll for putting up with it.

Hehe, even though I love her like no one else, its still difficult and a little embarassing to explain that nothing is cooler to me than a superhuman warrior going toe-to-toe with a giant demonic war beast, both of whom are surrounded by corpses of enemies they've slain.

Brutal? Yes.  Violent?  Yes.  Scary? Yes.  Cool?  Very.

And again all I want to do is hold Karen. (^)-(^) 

 

 

Its 9:40 as I start typing this, and man, today sucks.

 

First the minor stuff: the movie I'm downloading should have finished 12 hours ago, but my sister cut off the internet connection and it won't be done for another 30 minutes, which means I'll be too tired to watch the damn thing.

Major: Pre-cal test is tomorrow, I'm not ready for it, and doing the practice is excrutiating.  I can't fucking stand it right now.  Everyone and their retarded cousin is telling me to study, and I don't want to hear it anymore.

Karen's been having a bad day, and my meager attempts to help are more pathetic than useful.  Its morbidly ironic too, in that I'd prefer to sit there with her and just let our shitty day pass on, but you can't really do that over the internet.

I love my family, but they can't help worth a damn.  My mom will be a sympathetic ear, but won't leave me with any solutions or suggestions worth anything  My dad will basically tell me not to be such a pussy.  My brother is at a final and like my sister, wouldn't understand what I'm talking about.

I want to sleep, I want to help, I want help, I want food, I want sunrise, I want sex, I want a friend.  Hehe, its just like Karen said.  You want everything and you can't find the energy to lift a finger.

This sucks.