Please.  Please.  If you are fat, do not wear shirts that show any of you belly, especially tube tops and tight, tight shirts that reveal and accentuate any and all rolls of lard you possess.  Its disturbing to look at, and there aren't enough chubby chasers to warrant that kind of outfit.

Now, some of you might be saying "You filthy hypocrite!  You weigh 250 lbs!"  Yes, I am overweight.  But not obese and I wear clothes that tone it down.  I don't need to show people my stretch marks, and neither do you, fatty.  Truth be told, there is nothing wrong with being fat other than possible health implications for you.  But it becomes disgusting to see someone try to pretend to be something they aren't, especially in such a visual way.

Fin. 

You must read this comic.  It is vedy, vedy good.  Google the name cause I'm to lazy to make a link.

Its rare that a web comic makes me feel for the characters, but when you find yourself cheering for an AnthroPC and knowing what an AnthroPC is (GO PINTSIZE!!!), you'll know what I mean.

Few people understand its meaning.  It means that when I want to cry, when I'm hurt, when I just don't care, all I can do is laugh.

I'm sorry I'm not the quiet, shy, handsome, dark skinned little whelp you always wanted.  I'm a cold, manipulative, angry, big, nasty looking white dude who doesn't have a problem with authority because I don't care about authority.

Its really ironic that I get a lecture from you about being careful around women because they want the "impossible" combination of a tough yet sensitive guy, when you want me to be strong, decisive, and independent, yet sitting on a short leash and completely submissive to your needs and will.

Am I complaining?  No, I'm well past that stage.  I don't even care anymore.  Don't you see that I'm just waiting out your little storm of rage until things calm down again?  Don't you see I'm the only one in this family who doesn't give a shit anymore when you get angry?

I'm arrogant, stubborn, and presumptive.   Hmm...I wonder where I got that from?

And of course, now that I have a girlfriend and social life you actually know about (and believe me, the only reason you know about her is because I'm serious about her), all of my problems and yours are because all I can think about is seeing her, because in your head she's got me wrapped around her finger and I'm just the idiot you've come to disdain.

I'm not challenging you, you paranoid old fool.  I'm not making things up about what you said or what I heard, I'm not taking advantage of you in your old age.  You're 63.  You're getting old.  And despite the fact that you look ten years younger than that, you're freaking out and blaming everyone else for these issues.

All in all, you're a good man.  And a man that I look up to.  But everyone's got their issues and these are yours.  You'll never read this, because when it comes to technology, watching you trying to figure out the internet or computers is like watching a retard hump a door knob. So why am I writing this?  Because I need an outlet, and for all of your good qualities, you've never, ever been the kind of dad I can go to with my problems.

And all I can do is laugh. 

Fear me, mortals.  Your salvation and your doom is at hand.

I walk with the power of angels and demons, and a $12 wooden katana.

You do not need to know why.  Your lives are too short for it to make a difference.

My name means "Judgement of God."

I have come for you.  Will you answer the call?

Do you bear the mark of the chosen? 

I've spent most of my life around women.  And yet they still speak a completely alien language to me.

Maybe I'm an idiot.  Maybe I'm not smart like I thought I was.  Maybe I really am too dense to see the evidence in front of me.

Maybe women are too cryptic.  Maybe their subtle hints are too subtle.  Maybe I forgot my dictionary at home.

Its confusing to try and learn a method of communication where the same word or phrase can have multiple meanings.

When I act, it seems I always go too far or do something wrong.

When I don't act, it seems everyone is waiting for me to take the initiative.

I'm really tired.  I had a horrible day yesterday, horrible night last night, and an asenine lunch today where my girlfriend wouldn't mind slamming a shovel into the face of a friend of mine (and its almost completely justified, which is the most aggravating part).

My parents don't trust me.  My girlfriend and my friend are an inch away from drama-war.  And all the meanwhile I'm standing in the middle going "WOAH!  Everybody calm down," which is doubly hilarious because I'm usually the one who has to end these things in fights.

If you guys would listen to me and understand that arguing to drunks and fools is pointless, you'd save yourselves a lot of trouble.

Parents: Its been two years.  Please, I'm not out to sabotage you.  Its time to live and let go.

Karen: Yes, you are completely correct.  He's being a dick.  But he isn't a dick totally.  He's my friend and if I can get him to stop acting this way through more civil manners than telling him he has a shovel up his ass, I'd like to.

Jonathan: For God's sake, the world doesn't revolve around you.  I don't even know if you read this, and if you don't, I'm going to give you the link.  If they want to be "nerds" then fucking let them be nerds.  If you're too mature for the rest of us, go eat lunch by yourself and let us enjoy our break.  I'm your friend and I'm telling you this because I don't want it to come to that.  Karen and I will talk about Guild Wars.  Karen and Lou and probably me too will play the DS.  But we'll also talk about movies and shooters and Family Guy.  You don't have to be the center of the conversation for the whole lunch period.  Realize how this sounds.  You're turning what was a group of coworkers enjoying lunch into a high school drama-war.  Stop it, or I'll stop it.

For you annoying spirits: Jesus Christ.  Haven't you realized you don't mean anything anymore?  Angel or demon, I don't like being around your superior ways and ridiculous, pedantic banter.  If you've got something important to tell me, be out with it and leave. 

There is this guy who is incessantly hitting on my sister at her work.

Here's how the dialog went (and no, I'm not joking.  In a way, I've always wanted to sound cool like this)

Me: Look.  My sister is little, cute, funny, and nice.  Great person to get to know.  But if you don't lay off, you'll get to know me.  And I'm big.  And mean.  And violent.  And if our little chat doesn't help you to learn, I'll come back with my baby brother.  And he can kick my ass.  Got it?

Horny Employee: Um...yeah.  Sorry dude.

Me: Cool.  See you around.

(I wink and leave with my sister)

Hehe.  ^_^  I got my cool big brother quota filled for today :D