And now I'm back.

Let's catch up, shall we?

The month of July has been absolutely batshit fucking nuts.  I have had more things pulling at my attention and body than ever before.  School started.  Work is, just like when I was back in the supply room, becoming ever more dependent on me.  My family can't seem to function without my heavy involvement in what they are doing.  And all I want is to be with her (and nerd it up a little, but hey, sue me )

I told Karen a while back that I loved the challenge, and its true.  Amidst all this, I feel strong and potent, powerful and necessary.  My work recognizes my talent indirectly by laying more responsibility at my feet.  (Especially noticeable when there are other in my position on other floors who do VERY little work by comparison)  My professor writes comments on my essays like "excellent" and "extremely well written".  My family, though they refuse to allow the freedoms that accompany it, expect me to be an adult at this point in my life, in my mind proving their acknowledgment of my skill and position within the family.  And the icing on the cake was my surprise visit to Karen last night.  Her eyes seemed to light up when she saw me, and when she opened the door she practically jumped into my arms and wouldn't let me go (despite my attempts to kiss her ^_^)  And that was the best feeling in the world.  I had done something right.  She was happy to see me.

And the most important feeling of all: it wasn't about me feeling good anymore- it was about her.  I was overjoyed at seeing her so happy.

The point being, I feel good now that August has begun, like I've been through a trial by fire of sorts.  And to be honest, I don't expect things to get any easier.  I have what sane people would assess as "way too much on my plate."  But in very beardy fashion, I trudge forward relentlessly.  There is vindication and power to be found in defying conventional wisdom, even in this little microcosm of the universe that I call my existence.  I still stick to that boy's dream of standing defiantly against overwhelming odds, with total confidence that I can and will succeed.  I feel that way now.  The power flows through my limbs.  The fates will look to me to see how I shape my destiny.  They will not be left wanting.

 

 

 

...I'd beat you within an inch of your life.

I tell everyone how great you are, about how much better of a person you are than I am.  And then you do shit like this.

He's already mad at you, so you're too afraid of him now to want to take anymore heat.  So now, when you leave the kitchen in a mess, you let him blame me without a word of opposition.  And when I deny my responsibility, he becomes infuriated, because of course, he thinks I'm lying.  And I'm not lying, but every little wrong thing I've done gets dragged out of the woodwork, all on the day we were supposed relax and enjoy ourselves.

Its convenient, isn't it?  Those lies I told a few years back let you get away with little shit like this. 

At this moment, you are lower than scum.  You are so undeniably pathetic and wretched that I find your very proximity both intolerable and infecting.  You let your fear rule you, you sent the whole house into a disgusting state of melancholy, and all over something so ridiculously small that it bewilders the mind.

At this moment, you disgust me. 

Where is your pride now, you fool?

For all your intelligence, you seem not to know how and when to apply it.

You saw the warnings, but you ignored them, or were too base to understand their meanings.

Do not hurt her again. 

They say Rome wasn't built in a day.

Apparently, a year can't make an arrogant man humble.

 

It seemed like I was beholden to so many other powers these last few weeks.  Every time I turned around, there was yet another task to complete.  Yes, theoretically these tasks are to benefit me ultimately, but I have to wait at least a month for even the soonest benefit to unfold, paltry as it is.  And it keeps me from the things and people I wish to spend time with, making it the most frustrating.

I close my hand, and the dry, leathery, overworked skin squeals in protest.  Yet now I feel no power.  It is strange.

 

To Karen, I am so sorry for dishonoring you in public.  It was no accident, but it was unintentional.  I lost control of myself, and that is a very bad thing.  I would also ask that you understand that doing such a thing and now realizing that I did is no small matter to me.  Yes, I am making it difficult on myself as you said, but that is who I am.  I cannot let go of my honor or my loyalties, and to have offended yours is one of the graver sins I could commit.  I am not going to skulk and pout about it outwardly, but it reminds me to much of my old self for it not to haunt me to no end.  Do not worry- I will not let this bother you.

 

I am eager to feel the power again.  It has been drained from me completely now.  At 1 am, I will begin my workout.  Yes.  Sleep is no comfort for me.  The guilt marks their return, though in truth they never leave for good.  I will make them the focus for my rage.  Rage.  Why rage?  It is easier to turn to than self-loathing for such a proud individual.  I know soon I will forget, but that in part is the problem.

Lessons to be learned.

Tales to be heard.

The pain can be dulled,

But it keeps the mind sharp.

Days long, nights long.

Penance and temptations

Will wait no longer. 

Must face them now

Or forever be damned. 

 

For those of you who would be concerned about me, do not overvalue the writings here.  I'm mad, tired, sad, and hungry for my power.  I will be right as rain when the nightmares are done, so don't go freaking out on me.  This is a journal, and I should be able to express my thoughts, even exaggerated and tempremental  thoughts of the moment, without the bother of scrutiny.  I should be able to express them without having to put a disclaimer like this as well, so prove yourselves by not making me have to do this again.